enjoing those who soround me till the last moment

yea so the end is near suposely
but i try to evade it and be happy when i can and enjoy my family and my friends because i know that some day i wont see them any more and every stupid thing will remind me of them and every time i will cry and miss the people i grew up with, and the new family that i got and the family that its not so great but i even love the most psychotic of them (my mom) even if it dost look like it some times.I try to show my love to each of them specially my grandma who i know needs to have the urge to feel love from the ones she loves... People think that all the things from revelations aren't near but there actually more near than what they think.
I always think that im going to miss the most my brothers and sister (karla) and my cousin alex. and i will always regret the time that i did int spent with my brothers andres and sergio and regret not baking JB up the first time he had weed... i shouldn't have told on him... we were pretty close before i did. But its growing back on slowly.
I will always rgret telling my dad that he was a bad father and not saying im soory to him... because of my pride :(
ill always regret not looking more for my guela ramona and my cousins.
ill always regret loosing time and not achieving all the things that i wanted to like kikboxing taichi confu modeling running endless miles without getting tired... i will miss that the most
but 4 the most i will miss my dad he was like my first true friend and still is to this day we can talk almost about anything.
I will miss my other mom, minnie my step mom ; with out her i wouldnt know whats a mother like ... my mom hasnt given that to me but still i know she loves me ... but minie made me the mom that i will be the care loving one that cannot stop mimando and making there babys feel better... she was the kind of mom that dressed alike with me when we went out shopping... i mean if i would get ponytails she would get them two... i love her to death... i will miss the most that wen i was crying she would be there for me telling me what was right and what was wrong. With my head on her lap crying so hard and she always making me fell better.
I will also miss my tios there the best boath of them... i know they love me unconditionally like no other.
i will miss my mom trying really hard to be a mom... i will apriciate that for ever even dough today its hard to even talk to her or hug her.
my most miss memorie will be elementary school my best friend Yanshua i will miss her sooo much! there are little memories in my life that don't include her :( shes like my black sister my other side y diabolical side and im like her angelic side...
im goona cry my self to sleep for a long! time after these thing happends...

I would also miss the friends thet make my day the best day ever! like Xavier Zuly Misael Eric...
the ones i will miss the most are xavier and Zuly just because they are like my brothers they enjoy the same things i do they are lovable and all together we are like brothers:(
i will miss Zuly a lot because she has been a role model for me my hole life, and shes just like me she likes old scool shes adventures and she likes history a lot! just like i do specialy greek mitology and egipcian shit :D
i dont know what the fuck to do !!
i will miss karla M. just because shes like the big sis that i didint had... she likes most of the things i like and she reminds me a lot of Zuly... Sinse the first time i meet her she has been there for me shes like super caring and the best person ever; I have lots of fun with her por ke es un tripeo y le puedo hablar de lo ke sea will miss her a lot if she leaves me here cn emma ... theres not going to be anyone else ke se lo tipee cmo yo lo pienso lol...

ill miss my PR and the places ill never get to go ...
Someimes i would like to dye with all of them but if god wants me to survive with mi love then u know be it ... I know emma will be the one who will protect me always... te amo bb
i just know for a fact ke cuando yo este there and there here i will need antydepreives a strengt shirt and sleeping peels...
I love you people i wish that u were to continue to be in my life and not leave me here ...:(

mom could be a bitch

you shouldnt see the wrong about the goo that out of your head bleeded
15 years cauting and more to be
aint no need
cant u see
you are a miracle indeed
you are testimony walking away from the raging sea!!!!
can i believe?? can i believe??...
can i believe that you are an inmortal soul???
just like i will be after life!!??
i dont know??
maby you will know and tell me after your carnal death.
I do hope the Big Guy forgives your abcense as a carnal daughter
because somehow i would like to say see you soon instead of saying goodbye

todo cambio, cuando te vi...
de blanco y negro a color me converti
y fue tan facil
quererte tanto
algo que no imaginaba
fue entregarte mi amor con una mirada

Todo temblo
dentro de mi
el universo escribio que fueras para mi
y fue tan facil
quererte tanto
algo que no imaginaba
fue perderme en tu amor simplemente paso y todo tuyo ya soy
antes que pase mas tiempo contigo amor
tengo que decir
que eres el amor de mi vida

Antes que te ame mas
escucha porfavor
dejame decir que todo te di
y no hay como explicar que ahora menos si no estas
simple mente asi lo senti
cuando te vi

me sorprendio
todo de ti
de blanco y negro al color
me converti
se que no es facil
Decir iii Te amo!!
yo tampoco lo esperaba
pero asi es el amor
simplemente paso y todo tuyo ya soy
Antes que pase mas tiempo contigo amor
tengo que decir
que eres el amor de mi vida
antes que te ame mas
escucha porfavor
dejame decir que todo te di
y no hay
como explicar
que ahora menos si no estas
simplemente
asi
lo senti
cuando te vi...
todo cmbio... cuando te vi...

baby esta cancion explica como ha sido mi vida desde literal mente el primer momento ke te vi ahi being so beautifoul and a mystery to me i wanted to know more about u you intrigued me and in a weard kind of way made me feel special pero jamas pense que teminariamos amandonos tanto te amo bebe y me haces feliz, nerviosa en el corazon y aveces me da hasta sentimiento saber y sentir un sentimiento tan bonito y fuerte hacia ti, gracias por hacerme sentir tan amada te amo bebe muahhhh!!

my guela ramona!!

this is my guela!!!!! and I
if u look closely we look a like very much

conquering my life

im feeling very confident these days i feel beautiful and sure about what i think and say... makes me happy u know... it wasn't like this before it was different(and by different i mean very insecure as a person very very! insecure) and nerve wracking that i always cared about what people think about me. Im starting to look for a new look that shows my personality and my way of being and that i feel comfortable with it. I love the fact that im accepting me and finding more about me because some time between this week and last month i wasn't sure of who i was or anything. So yes!! its happening for me ...im trying to confront my anger and controll it since a year and a half and its been hard but i feel different ...it pleases me that i have achieve this alone by myself ... i guess that its been really hard for me because i just cant stop getting angry and hurting the people ho are the closest to me i just did int see me not getting angry because of something stupid... but i have started to concer this point!! ive know when its not worth it and with rage in my soul i have leave the situation behind... sometimes its really hard and almost imposible but the fact is that anything its possible. is it going to be hard? HELL YEA!! but im feeling confident and good about me as a person such as physically and internally as well soo i know i can make it happened for me and my family and the love of my life whom i feel very grateful for understanding me and supporting all of my ridicules drama....Its not like i want all of this crap to happened its just that its hard to control my anger. I kind of call it auto anger management class lol.
Ive also started exercising like nine months from know im getting toned and from size 9 ive gotten to a size 3 and im looking foward for a size 0 so yes I feel very good! and if i look too skinny ill gane some weight again! :D!!!! im so darn happy that even dough not everything around me its well... as a person with goals im making them happend. I know that all of this i could not achieve with out the help of God...I love u man!!!!! you are the best!!

the world full of shit and I

pues si... she is really ill and really sick...i think shes going to stop working so i better go get a job to help out... Im kind of getting the hopes down on my hole "family" im crazy to finish studying and go get married and move to Manhattan with my lover. I wish it was easy to leave your family behind and ignore them completely but its not gonna happen... i wish it would but it wont, it is int polight or fair for them, after all they raised me... in there weard, sick , manipulative way but they did tehy fed me gave me shelter and in a weard way they have been there for me even dough sometimes i don't see their precense in my problems... she of all has been there for me and at the same time has been the total bitch, so im really very confused if i feel compassion rage anger? but i do know i love her and i want her to be happy... this sucks man!! its like waiting for her to die... not that i want her to but its not a fair life to live after all u have done and still some people u love and u have helped since they were born and u even wiped their asses and they still don't appreciate u for ure good heart and criticize you and disrespect you for asking a stupid favor ... life is full of shit that many people don't see... even if it is in front of there eyes... many times this problems make me want to take a stand and take this problems... this little problems that cause great chaos in the world and make a change make them go away... this desire of mine has always been in my heart but i think that the breavory its too little and the mental preparation its to ill, and im working on my trust in God right know soo yea if its gonna happened its gonna take me a while to take a stand and defend and protect that's what's in my heart and sometimes i wonder if that's what im here for sometimes i feel the heart of a leader in me and sometimes i don't i don't know, its going to be a long process, God will tell me what the heak am i here for.
I want to go out there and do things that not many people do!!!

this sucks!

well yes defenetley my senior year is full of shit. Fuck 2008 man!! first she gets cancer then the other one dies and more shit and more shit wtf!!?? now this the cancer is back!! i just wish that it would end. And if really she has to die to be happy be it i cant take looking at her having a life of stress and physical suffering ; its just to much for her, i know she is strong but... i don't want this for her... i want her to be happy... its not worth having a big house and a big family... if you cant enjoy your house; or your family is just to far away to enjoy their presence on earth.

this truth hurts me a lot

why must the truth hurt so much why is it that one does not want to be told that they are acting like the one who gave them life why must it hurt so much when u tell a mother that u are not like them at all why must God torture me with this mental condition standing by my side... at one time whispering in my ear an at the next screaming its lungs out why does it seem that i have to pick sides or teams... or else ill just be left alone, battling against all of there rage all of there fears and actions. THATS IT! aim putting my foot down aim tiered of being push arroud and of hearing these mental condition talking non sense in the back of my neck were i can feel the warm air coming out of its mouth!!! aim tiered i feel exhausted hopeless. i feel like my blood its too dence and every day it gets worse i cannot ignore it or evade it anymore Whats family anyways? can somebody show me? i wouldn't like to make the same mistake that they have over the years... i am tiered weir is the union? Im soory for what i said that hurt you i just can take your condition anymore i don't know how to deal with your sickness i want to deal with it but i cant i love you just for the fact that... but the truth is that i don't really know you and you guys don't really know me I know you love me because you have shown me... i do not know how hard is it for a mother to hear the truth from her daughter but i want you to know that it hurts me a lot and it troubles me often when we don't talk for weeks.

mental getaway

hmm.. well yes i find it funny because i love to stare at nature i look at its details and even in my mind sometimes i question God's work i tell him how the plant that he made would look better some other way. And its funny because every time i do this i find a plant that looks like just how i pictured the other one would look better. I find nature as a mental getaway as a connection of peace were i can just connect with God and all of my problems just go away i disconnect my self from the materialistic and human world and i myself become part of nature i enjoy every second of it and every detail....I think that every person in the world should have like his "happy place" where they could just get rid of there problems and stop thinking for a second... start enjoying the breeze on there faces and looking at the good and positive things in life.

Ive noticed that these "happy place" of mine has given me like almost a care free mind were you think if its worth to rush your self over something that doesn't really matter. It has also helped me known which are the things that really do matter but that i should take things easy in order to achieve peace within these problems and resolve them. dough nature isn't the only thing thats has helped me with these, my dad is the one person who has given me this perspective in life, were i shouldn't rush things and i should be patient and polite with others. I find that aim soured of misplaced in my house because everybody in it get pissed off by little thing, they aren't plight nor comprehensive , and always! everything is a rush. THANK GOD I DID INT CAME OT LIKE THEY DID LOL.
By the way i dont live with my dad so i think it makes it wearder that i came out like diferent even from him ... w/e