the world full of shit and I

pues si... she is really ill and really sick...i think shes going to stop working so i better go get a job to help out... Im kind of getting the hopes down on my hole "family" im crazy to finish studying and go get married and move to Manhattan with my lover. I wish it was easy to leave your family behind and ignore them completely but its not gonna happen... i wish it would but it wont, it is int polight or fair for them, after all they raised me... in there weard, sick , manipulative way but they did tehy fed me gave me shelter and in a weard way they have been there for me even dough sometimes i don't see their precense in my problems... she of all has been there for me and at the same time has been the total bitch, so im really very confused if i feel compassion rage anger? but i do know i love her and i want her to be happy... this sucks man!! its like waiting for her to die... not that i want her to but its not a fair life to live after all u have done and still some people u love and u have helped since they were born and u even wiped their asses and they still don't appreciate u for ure good heart and criticize you and disrespect you for asking a stupid favor ... life is full of shit that many people don't see... even if it is in front of there eyes... many times this problems make me want to take a stand and take this problems... this little problems that cause great chaos in the world and make a change make them go away... this desire of mine has always been in my heart but i think that the breavory its too little and the mental preparation its to ill, and im working on my trust in God right know soo yea if its gonna happened its gonna take me a while to take a stand and defend and protect that's what's in my heart and sometimes i wonder if that's what im here for sometimes i feel the heart of a leader in me and sometimes i don't i don't know, its going to be a long process, God will tell me what the heak am i here for.
I want to go out there and do things that not many people do!!!

this sucks!

well yes defenetley my senior year is full of shit. Fuck 2008 man!! first she gets cancer then the other one dies and more shit and more shit wtf!!?? now this the cancer is back!! i just wish that it would end. And if really she has to die to be happy be it i cant take looking at her having a life of stress and physical suffering ; its just to much for her, i know she is strong but... i don't want this for her... i want her to be happy... its not worth having a big house and a big family... if you cant enjoy your house; or your family is just to far away to enjoy their presence on earth.

this truth hurts me a lot

why must the truth hurt so much why is it that one does not want to be told that they are acting like the one who gave them life why must it hurt so much when u tell a mother that u are not like them at all why must God torture me with this mental condition standing by my side... at one time whispering in my ear an at the next screaming its lungs out why does it seem that i have to pick sides or teams... or else ill just be left alone, battling against all of there rage all of there fears and actions. THATS IT! aim putting my foot down aim tiered of being push arroud and of hearing these mental condition talking non sense in the back of my neck were i can feel the warm air coming out of its mouth!!! aim tiered i feel exhausted hopeless. i feel like my blood its too dence and every day it gets worse i cannot ignore it or evade it anymore Whats family anyways? can somebody show me? i wouldn't like to make the same mistake that they have over the years... i am tiered weir is the union? Im soory for what i said that hurt you i just can take your condition anymore i don't know how to deal with your sickness i want to deal with it but i cant i love you just for the fact that... but the truth is that i don't really know you and you guys don't really know me I know you love me because you have shown me... i do not know how hard is it for a mother to hear the truth from her daughter but i want you to know that it hurts me a lot and it troubles me often when we don't talk for weeks.

mental getaway

hmm.. well yes i find it funny because i love to stare at nature i look at its details and even in my mind sometimes i question God's work i tell him how the plant that he made would look better some other way. And its funny because every time i do this i find a plant that looks like just how i pictured the other one would look better. I find nature as a mental getaway as a connection of peace were i can just connect with God and all of my problems just go away i disconnect my self from the materialistic and human world and i myself become part of nature i enjoy every second of it and every detail....I think that every person in the world should have like his "happy place" where they could just get rid of there problems and stop thinking for a second... start enjoying the breeze on there faces and looking at the good and positive things in life.

Ive noticed that these "happy place" of mine has given me like almost a care free mind were you think if its worth to rush your self over something that doesn't really matter. It has also helped me known which are the things that really do matter but that i should take things easy in order to achieve peace within these problems and resolve them. dough nature isn't the only thing thats has helped me with these, my dad is the one person who has given me this perspective in life, were i shouldn't rush things and i should be patient and polite with others. I find that aim soured of misplaced in my house because everybody in it get pissed off by little thing, they aren't plight nor comprehensive , and always! everything is a rush. THANK GOD I DID INT CAME OT LIKE THEY DID LOL.
By the way i dont live with my dad so i think it makes it wearder that i came out like diferent even from him ... w/e